804 - Does Your Wife Need To Be On Board With Your Recovery?
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[00:00:00] What's up my man, it's Sathya Sam. Welcome to Unleash the Man Within. Thank you so much for listening. I hope you're having a fantastic day. Hey, we're going to jump into some really important content today, especially for those of you who are married or maybe you're not officially married, but you're in a long term committed relationship.
We got some really helpful stuff for you. Before I jump into that very quickly, if you are a man, you are looking to quit pornography, You want to do it the right way. I want to let you know that we do have a couple spots open in my program deep clean right now. [00:01:00] Um, and they're available on a first come first serve basis.
So maybe you've been listening for a while. You want to check us out. You want to see if this is the right fit for you. You like our philosophy. Uh, looks like, you know, maybe we could jive together click the link in the show notes about the free case study video That'll show you everything you need to know about us And if it looks good, you can book a call We'd love to speak with you and see if it makes sense to have you fill one of those slots And i'll say a couple things number one is not everybody that we speak with is a good fit Um, in fact a majority are not And that's actually totally okay.
We still like talking with you and we like seeing if it's a good fit. And if not, we can, you know, send you somewhere else. The other thing I would say is, uh, honestly, I wish when I was in recovery, that there were resources like this available, even just to be able to talk to someone goes a long way, getting things out in the open.
If you get asked the right questions, you can really start to get some clarity on your situation. And that's what these calls are designed to do. So if you're looking for some clarity, And you know that you need a little bit of extra guidance and help to get to that desired outcome. Click the link in [00:02:00] the show notes.
We'd love to see if we can help you quit porn in the next 120 days. Today we are talking about does your wife need to be on board for recovery? And you know, this is a really interesting question because I think On one hand, you might hear that and go, well, that's sort of a no brainer. Like what wife wouldn't want their husband to quit watching pornography.
So I'm with you. And we're not really broaching it from that angle today. What we're really asking is if your wife doesn't know what's going on or, you know, she has some ideas. But she doesn't know the full extent of it. How much does she need to be on board? Right? Like, does she need to know everything?
Or, you know, like, this is where we get a lot of these questions. Or, someone, you know, this is a very common scenario, where someone wants to do a program, and then they, everything looks good, and they're like, I just need to get signed up from the wife. We always kind of sigh a little bit when we hear that, um, not because that's a [00:03:00] bad thing.
In fact, it's a good thing. We don't, we don't want guys to necessarily like enter recovery behind their wife's backs. We just know that there's a whole complexity to this, which is that typically, you know, you're listening to this podcast, you know what we provide or you know what recovery is about, or it doesn't even have to be us, but maybe you listen to other recovery podcasts.
You want to do their program and then you're sold and you're ready to move forward and then you have to somehow sell your wife on something that's taking you months or maybe even years to kind of, you know, realize that you need and reach this place where you're ready to actually, you know, take some action.
So should your wife be on board? You know, do you wait another year or two if that's what it takes for her to? Suss out her own options and whatever else. Um, very common question. Something that we get asked all the time. So I'll, I'll give you a, a different example. And I think this might, this might help, you know, bring some clarity.
Cause I do think some people will tell you, some recovery coaches will even tell you, you know what, [00:04:00] it's better that you just get in. Talk to your wife later and you know, you can kind of deal with it like, well, eventually she's going to come around and realize you're, you're going into recovery. Um, and that's a good thing and it should be just fine, right?
Should be just fine. So think about it this way, you know, imagine that you wanted to lose weight. Okay, you want to lose weight. And for you to lose weight, you're going to hire a personal trainer. You're going to completely change your diet. And let's say that your wife does a majority of the cooking.
Let's say that, you know, financially you're doing okay, but not amazing. But yeah, you could find a way to make some money for a personal trainer. And let's say that, um, you know, you've done this before. Okay. You, you've tried working with personal trainer before. So what happens when you ask your wife, Hey, what do you think about this?
So your wife is thinking, yeah, you know, this is going to be [00:05:00] great because you're going to get a good body. You're gonna get in shape. You can take care of yourself. You know, she'll have four things that make this a win for her. And then she's going to think, but I've seen you do this before. This costs money.
I'm cooking your food. How crazy is the diet going to be? You know, what, what do I have to figure out? Um, now let me ask you, if your wife said, you know what, this is too much work for me. Um, and I've seen you do this before and it didn't work, so I don't think you should try again. Would that stop you from doing it?
And that's a, that's a legitimate question. And some of you might hear that and say, yeah, actually, that probably would. And some of you would hear that and say, no, it wouldn't. So here's, here's the reason I say this. Um, what we, what, when your wife needs to get on board, the first thing is she has to understand your situation.
Okay. In the physical fitness example, she can see your situation. So there's no convincing necessary there. But um, when it's porn addiction, that's something that's hidden. So should your wife be on board? Well, [00:06:00] she needs to at least understand the extent of what's going on unless she has specifically said, I don't want to hear about it.
Now, if she has said she doesn't want to hear about it. She's kind of lied to you. Every wife wants to know what she's really saying is I can't handle hearing about it right now. That's totally okay. You want to honor that? Just know at some point you guys need to broach the subject together, have that conversation.
Okay. Now what's much more likely to take place is that you you in the process, you know, your wife is going to be like, wow, this is a lot. I didn't realize that all this was going on. Or maybe you're going to say, well, you know what, if I have to tell my wife, then maybe I'll just try to do this on my own.
Cause that's easier. So again, this is where we're going to go back to our fitness example. If you want to get in shape and your wife stopped you from getting in shape, does that sound right to you? Well, no, we can kind of say like, no, of course not. Um, but then should you go do things that your wife doesn't want you to do?
No, obviously we don't want to do that either. So we have to strike a middle ground here [00:07:00] where there's an understanding of the situation. There's an understanding of what's required and what's desired. And then there's, there has to be an element of, of, okay, well, is this worth it? Is it not? These are the conversations you should be having with your spouse.
If you're serious about recovery. Um, if you're not serious about recovery, then this podcast probably isn't for you. But as a, as a very early starting point, I think regardless of where you're in the process. You have to have the conversation with your wife. You got to let her know what's going on. And I understand that she may leave you or she may freak out.
She might get really mad. It could create a big mess. Everything's kind of stable and you know, sure. It's a castle built on sand, but at least it's a castle. Uh, but the reality is it only gets worse if you don't talk to her. You know, our adage is. You confess or you get caught. Those are the only two possible outcomes from that situation.
We recommend the confessional piece. And the reality is when you take the initiative to be transparent [00:08:00] and to have this conversation, it actually demonstrates integrity, even if it does also arouse anger and everything else. And that that message goes very loudly and clearly, especially in the grand scheme of things.
If you continually are being transparent and honest, your wife can start to see, okay, well, at least he's going to tell me the truth, even if the truth hurts. Yeah. That's actually a beautiful quality. Um, so I think starting there is very very good. I think To answer this question of the title a little bit more directly, should your wife be on board for recovery?
Definitely, you know, she should be, but she doesn't have to fully understand what recovery entails and all that stuff. I really don't agree with that. I think about like, you know, uh, the personal trainer example is something I'm going through right now. I'm doing personal training, and when I told my wife, you know how much it costs, this is not a cheap personal trainer, He's very experienced very seasoned and it did affect our diets and the stuff that she can cook for me And now when we're eating out, you know, she's buying food for herself We're not really enjoying food together because i'm in a bit of a rigid, uh season or [00:09:00] phase rather of sort of this programming um, you know, my wife didn't understand the extent of it, but She saw what I wanted and she saw I found someone that I trusted And she said, yeah, go for it.
You know, we'll figure it out and we're figuring it out. And some days she's like, wow, this is a lot of work. I didn't realize how much it was actually required. And other days, you know, it's, she's really happy. And she's like, man, I can't wait to see what he does with you as time goes on. Cause she can already start to see some results, which is, you know, really cool.
So what, what do I mean for all of you? Or what does this mean? Should your wife be on board? Absolutely. Does she need to know everything like, or every single detail about the program and whatever, whatever, definitely not. Because here's the thing. My my wife knowing more about my philosophy or my personal trainers philosophy doesn't help me, right?
It doesn't help me. It doesn't ultimately just determine do I make the right decisions or not? Sometimes what happens though is when your wife finds out about all the stuff that's going on and you also kind of present this [00:10:00] Program to her then all of a sudden she's like, well, that's a lot, you know That that's that's a lot.
Um, and I think I need to know she'll say I need to know more about the program but what she's really saying is I need to kind of Getting my bearings and figure out if I can trust you or not, you know, and you're kind of asking me to trust you with this system or this program or whatever you're doing for recovery.
But, um, you've been holding the slide the whole time. So why should I trust you with that? So I want to give you a couple of things, maybe to sort of, uh, bring all this together. Number one is we want to prioritize transparency because transparency builds trust. Number two is we want to understand that trust.
Doesn't mean somebody knows everything fully inside and out. In fact, building that trust. You to engage in recovery with your whole heart, knowing that your wife supports you, even though she maybe doesn't know the extent of everything that's being discussed or what's going on. And the last thing is, we always want to honor our wife's request.
So maybe your wife does want to know everything that's going on. Um, and like I said, sometimes the wife says, I don't want to know anything and that's [00:11:00] fine as well. If you're in the camp where your wife says, you know, I don't need to know anything. Um, and so we're, again, we circle back to this question.
Well, did she, does she need to be on board or does she at least want to know something for me to go in recovery? And I will say there is a, there's a different side there where, you know, when, when a guy does go through a program and his wife's not really in the know, but he starts off with us really cool things happen actually.
Um, and so he starts to get some progress, but then we can also teach him and guide him. to have that conversation effectively and it usually goes very well. We find when guys try to do this on their own, it's hit and miss. Some guys get it. Uh, most people don't. So that, that would be a different advantage, but again, it depends on, um, some other factors as well, whether or not you can move forward.
But I will say if she doesn't, um, you know, she doesn't know and you decide to move forward, um, in the right program that can really go a long way. And like I said, we, we equip people and there's definitely other programs that do it as well. Where they make sure that you're informed on how [00:12:00] to talk to your spouse about this and how to do it properly.
And, yeah, there's something there to be said. But you have to actually be committed to having those conversations in the right time, right? So as long as you're not doing it as a cop out, um, then I think, yeah, you know, if your wife doesn't know, you're still good to go, you know, to start recovery. So, uh, look, that's everything for today.
We blitzed through a very big topic in a really short span of time. I hope you got a little bit of value out of that. I want to thank you guys so much for listening. Have an amazing day. We'll talk soon. [00:13:00]
