(Audio) 791 - No Title Yet - Tony DiLorenzo
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[00:00:00] Hey, hey, what's up, my man? It's Athia Sam here. Welcome to Unleash the Man Within, where I am sitting [00:00:05] down with Tony DiLorenzo. And if you don't know who Tony is, he and his wife, [00:00:10] Alisa, they are the founders of One Extraordinary Marriage. This is a [00:00:15] Christian marriage coaching program, but there's so much more than that.
[00:00:18] You know, they do cruises and [00:00:20] they do retreats, and they have one of the longest running podcasts in this space. They've been running for [00:00:25] 14 years, if you can believe that. Um, and they've helped I mean, I was gonna say [00:00:30] millions. I think through the podcast, it's millions, um, and certainly through the programs.
[00:00:33] Thousands of couples [00:00:35] get back on track. And you know what's different about these guys? And today I spoke with Tony [00:00:40] specifically is they are just next level in their transparency. You know, we've had a lot of couples on [00:00:45] here. We've had some great interviews, but honestly, what I appreciated about Tony is he's just raw.
[00:00:49] [00:00:50] He's just real. He shares about some really personal issues as we get a bit deeper into the conversation. Yeah. [00:00:55] At the same time, they have one of the most brilliant frameworks I've ever heard in my life for having [00:01:00] a healthy, well balanced relationship. And that is the six pillars of intimacy. And so [00:01:05] we go through that in pretty good detail.
[00:01:06] Uh, I was just even asking some own questions for myself as somebody who's [00:01:10] young and still learning about this whole marriage thing. Uh, it was a really rich interview. And [00:01:15] honestly, this guy is like one of the leaders in this space. And they talk about things that [00:01:20] Christians don't always talk about. In marriage and relationship environment.
[00:01:23] So you're going to learn a ton. [00:01:25] And even if you're not married, but maybe you want to be married one day, I highly, highly recommend you listen to this kind of [00:01:30] content. You know, this is something I did as a single man. It really helped me. It helped me just understand [00:01:35] what marriage actually looks like and what's required of me.
[00:01:37] And it allowed me to actually get a couple things in [00:01:40] order so that when I went into marriage, it wasn't as big of an adjustment and I, that was actually really helpful. [00:01:45] For those of you that are married, this is all the more reason. These guys are leaders. I guarantee you, your [00:01:50] marriage will get better if you even just take one piece of advice that we talked about today and apply it in your [00:01:55] life.
[00:01:55] So Hey, let's jump in. This is about you guys having a better marriage so you can have a better life in [00:02:00] general. Um, here's my interview with Tony DiLorenzo. Enjoy.
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[00:02:33] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0019: Tony, great to meet you, man. [00:02:35] Well, not just to meet you. I've met you before, but it's great to have you here on the show.
[00:02:38] riverside_tony_dilorenzo_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0018: Yeah. So great to be here. I [00:02:40] appreciate you having me.
[00:02:41] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0019: Yeah, so, okay, you guys, you and your wife, Lisa, [00:02:45] run the six, uh, not the Six Pillars of Intimacy. We'll get to that. You run One Extraordinary Marriage, and [00:02:50] I want to, I want to just Remark how incredible it is that you and your wife have run something [00:02:55] together as long as you have because it is not easy doing [00:03:00] anything with another person, let alone your spouse, uh, dude, give us the secret sauce.
[00:03:04] How do you [00:03:05] guys work together to run an organization for all these years?
[00:03:08] riverside_tony_dilorenzo_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0018: Yeah. It's [00:03:10] been 14 years, um, since we started one extraordinary marriage. [00:03:15] Um, a lot of, a lot of growing pains. Let me [00:03:20] just put it that way. Um, and, but willing to hold each other's [00:03:25] hands. through the growing pains. Um, and that's something that we've had to learn in the [00:03:30] organization here at one extraordinary marriage and even in our own marriage, right?
[00:03:33] I mean, that's what we talk about. Like, that's [00:03:35] who we serve our Christian married folks. Um, and so [00:03:40] learning to go, okay, within the organization, specifically is [00:03:45] like, we had to learn what each of us does well, where we are strong, what are our [00:03:50] strengths and let that individual, handle that area. [00:03:55] Um, and so early on we would really step on each other's feet a lot and try to get in each other's [00:04:00] way because we always thought we had a better way where it would cause a [00:04:05] lot of tension and heartache and frustration.
[00:04:07] And once we started to realize like, hey, you do [00:04:10] this really well, that's where your area is. You do this really well, that's your area. You take care [00:04:15] of that. Do we bring each other in to help one another out? Absolutely. But we [00:04:20] have our own lanes. We run it now.
[00:04:21] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0019: Yeah. That's really cool. Why did you guys choose [00:04:25] to help? Like, it sounds like you guys are just a very dynamic couple. Lots of strengths to the table. I'm sure [00:04:30] you could have served people in a hundred different ways if you wanted to. Why did you guys decide to go after [00:04:35] marriages?
[00:04:35] riverside_tony_dilorenzo_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0018: because ours was a mess and we, you know, we came out of the ashes [00:04:40] and it wasn't even us who really wanted to do anything. [00:04:45] Um, others were asking us to. And so we stepped into it, [00:04:50] um, in faith and more is just a way to couples [00:04:55] understand and realize that they're not alone. And so it wasn't this like, Ooh, like [00:05:00] we got the perfect marriage.
[00:05:01] I mean, we we'd been married 11 years and we were about to get divorced for the second time. I mean, we [00:05:05] were truthfully looking at divorce. We, we were sitting
[00:05:07] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0019: For the second time?
[00:05:08] riverside_tony_dilorenzo_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0018: yeah, we almost got [00:05:10] divorced. Um, after four years of marriage, I had just completed hiking. [00:05:15] Uh, through hiking the Pacific Crest Trail from Mexico to Canada.
[00:05:18] And, um, the first [00:05:20] time we had no children at that time, but, uh, I had come back from hiking the trail. I was on the trail [00:05:25] for four and a half months. Um, went through some depression because I [00:05:30] was smack dab in Orange County, California after being out in the wilderness for four and a half [00:05:35] months and living an adventure, like, truly an adventure that any man [00:05:40] could who wants to do something like that, could.
[00:05:42] Experience. I mean, it'd been a dream of mine. And [00:05:45] so to do that. And then when I got back, I was secluded. I was looking at porn [00:05:50] all the time while she was working. And I remember one time her coming home for lunch and [00:05:55] we were just sitting at the kitchen table. And this is back in the day, man, when we only had phone books and yellow [00:06:00] pages.
[00:06:00] And she came in and she's like, um, I've been looking at the yellow pages for a divorce lawyer. [00:06:05] And I was like, Oh crap. So that was that year four.
[00:06:08] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0019: Okay.
[00:06:09] riverside_tony_dilorenzo_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0018: Really didn't figure [00:06:10] out a lot of stuff after that. Um, but we, we worked through some things. Uh, [00:06:15] we ended up moving out of Orange County. We had our, uh, our first child up there in, [00:06:20] in Spokane, Washington, where we had moved to, we moved down here to San [00:06:25] Diego, um, had lost a child that, uh, was very tough on both of us, [00:06:30] especially Elisa.
[00:06:31] Um, we had our second child, our daughter, and [00:06:35] then we got to this point at 11 years in, we had a five and a two year old [00:06:40] and. We were just looking at each other going like, what are we doing? We're good roommates. [00:06:45] Um, but what are we doing? And so we really looked at each other and we're like, you know, we have three [00:06:50] options here.
[00:06:50] We either get a divorce now and just cut our ties and move on to, we wait [00:06:55] until the youngest, our daughter turns 18, which to us [00:07:00] is very impactful over this last year because she turned 18 last November.
[00:07:04] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0019: [00:07:05] Wow.
[00:07:05] riverside_tony_dilorenzo_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0018: Yep. Or three, we get radical. And so we decided to get radical in our [00:07:10] marriage at year 11 and that has been the trajectory and the change that has happened in us [00:07:15] and what BIRB, what we now know as One Extraordinary Marriage.
[00:07:18] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0019: Oh, that's amazing, [00:07:20] man. So by, by the time you guys had started One Extraordinary Marriage, is the marriage clicking at that [00:07:25] point or is this like a, hey, yeah,
[00:07:27] riverside_tony_dilorenzo_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0018: It's clear. Here's the thing. So we [00:07:30] started, we started One Extraordinary Marriage in January of 2010. So it's been over 14 [00:07:35] years now. We were clicking. We knew where we were. We knew we loved each other. We knew we [00:07:40] wanted to be in this marriage. We knew we were going to fight for this marriage. We took the divorce word, the [00:07:45] D word off the table.
[00:07:46] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0019: Yeah,
[00:07:47] riverside_tony_dilorenzo_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0018: And yet we were still learning. Yes, [00:07:50] we'd been married 11 years, And yet we were still, we were still growing and [00:07:55] understanding who we were and how we can make our own marriage [00:08:00] extraordinary. We were blessed to just get behind a microphone and just start talking about [00:08:05] it. And so we have, Many, many of episodes where [00:08:10] it's pretty hard to listen to because we didn't understand one another.
[00:08:13] And so [00:08:15] it's a, it's an interesting thing with all of our episodes, all 800 plus episodes are still available [00:08:20] for people to listen to because we want, we want couples to understand that who you [00:08:25] see now, the Tony and Elisa is not the Tony and Elisa. back in 2010. We have [00:08:30] grown, we have changed, but we've gone through a lot of things.
[00:08:31] And so how do we deal with those dynamics? How do we, how [00:08:35] do we address one another when there's heartache and hurt, maybe a loss like I lost my dad [00:08:40] almost seven years ago. How do we go through that? How do we talk about sex when it's not happening or when it is [00:08:45] happening, but it's not really like it's, You want to feel that closeness and connection, but it's not really [00:08:50] there.
[00:08:50] How do we talk about these tough topics? Um, and so for Lisa and I, it's our [00:08:55] conversation. We get to have each and every week with one another. We're blessed though, that we get to [00:09:00] have tens of thousands of others who get to listen in and join us for the, for that [00:09:05] conversation.
[00:09:05] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0019: yeah. But it is kind of cool to have that documentation, like that's 14 years of you [00:09:10] guys growing, evolving, you know, going through the cares of life together and, [00:09:15] uh, very brave of you guys to obviously offer that publicly, but really rewarding at the same time.
[00:09:19] riverside_tony_dilorenzo_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0018: Oh, [00:09:20] absolutely. I mean, even from a spiritual intimacy standpoint, you know, changing [00:09:25] churches. What does that look like? And our own faith journeys and when you're, when [00:09:30] you're challenged. And so we just share those things because we all go through this. [00:09:35] And I think we just came back before we got started. I, I shared with you, we just got back from [00:09:40] our 2024 six pillars in paradise marriage getaway that we held in Cancun.
[00:09:44] We had 29 [00:09:45] couples there with us. And it's just sharing that journey even with them [00:09:50] still to go like, We're here. We're standing in front of you, but we're still on this journey. [00:09:55] And we're just, we're just a few steps ahead of you guys. So we're just going to bring [00:10:00] you along for this journey with us.
[00:10:02] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0019: Yeah. So when, when you do have couples that you [00:10:05] can see, okay, you're a few steps behind, I'm, I'm assuming you're not talking about years of marriage. You're talking about. In [00:10:10] the development of the relationship, what are like, um, you know, you've been doing this for a long time now. [00:10:15] Um, are you observing any changes in the, the trends of like the issues that seem to [00:10:20] come up?
[00:10:20] Like compared to when you started and you were helping couples, is it still the same old issues? It [00:10:25] always comes down to communication and sex frequency and all that stuff. Or are you noticing [00:10:30] like, you know, actually in 2024, the challenges now that we're being presented with are actually a little bit [00:10:35] different than back in 2010 when we first started.
[00:10:37] riverside_tony_dilorenzo_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0018: I think the core [00:10:40] issues are still there.
[00:10:41] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0019: Okay, which would be what for you guys?
[00:10:43] riverside_tony_dilorenzo_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0018: again, your emotional [00:10:45] intimacy, your communication, how, how are you communicating verbally, nonverbal communication? That's your [00:10:50] emotional intimacy. Um, that is still an [00:10:55] area that many of us think we understand it, especially in the [00:11:00] marriage dynamic. And yet we don't.
[00:11:02] And even I can, I can sit here and say, Hey, [00:11:05] there are still times that I'm still learning and understanding because we are both [00:11:10] growing. at different rates and what may be happening to a Lisa may not be happening to me [00:11:15] or vice versa. So how are we able to express that with [00:11:20] one another? So just Just to give some context, I met Elisa when I was [00:11:25] 21.
[00:11:25] I had just turned 21. Elisa was 19 years old. We kissed, I threw her, I [00:11:30] threw her her 20th birth birthday, uh, in Boulder, Colorado. We, we kissed each [00:11:35] other that night. That first time on her 20th birthday. We got married at 23 and [00:11:40] 22. I am now 50. About to turn 51. She's 49, about to turn [00:11:45] 50. It's a lot of years, man.
[00:11:47] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0019: Yeah, no
[00:11:48] riverside_tony_dilorenzo_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0018: And how I communicated with her [00:11:50] back then. And how I communicated with her 10 years, 20 years after to [00:11:55] now is vastly different.
[00:11:56] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0019: Right.
[00:11:57] riverside_tony_dilorenzo_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0018: you take your sexual intimacy. [00:12:00] So for us sexual intimacy, and we're going a little bit into the six pillars of intimacy here. So, [00:12:05] um,
[00:12:05] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0019: problem,
[00:12:05] riverside_tony_dilorenzo_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0018: it just sharing. So when we look at sexual intimacy, sexual intimacy just [00:12:10] isn't intercourse.
[00:12:11] Most people when they hear the word intimacy, what do they think of?
[00:12:14] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0019: Yeah, they [00:12:15] think of sex right
[00:12:15] riverside_tony_dilorenzo_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0018: Boom. Truthfully, intimacy, if you look at the definition is closeness and [00:12:20] connection. That's all it is. Intimacy is closeness and connection. And so Elisa and I, with the years that [00:12:25] we've studied ourselves, other couples, she does all the coaching here at One Extraordinary Marriage.
[00:12:29] She's [00:12:30] coached hundreds and hundreds of couples, has been doing it for 10 plus years. We've been on [00:12:35] stages at churches. We've been on stages that we put on our own. We've done workshops. [00:12:40] online, offline. We see that when it comes to sexual [00:12:45] intimacy, everybody just goes, did we have sex? Did we have intercourse?
[00:12:48] And Elisa and I look at it a little [00:12:50] differently. We go, are you romancing? Are you initiating? Is there foreplay going on? And is [00:12:55] there, is there intercourse? Now those four things need to be happening for us to have [00:13:00] that dynamic and that closeness and connection around our sexual intimacy. And yet so many people [00:13:05] in marriages are just like, did I have intercourse?
[00:13:07] Okay. And they're stuck there. And so those are the two [00:13:10] main issues. Now we get into 2024 and you add the [00:13:15] proliferation and the ease of use of to access pornography, even soft. [00:13:20] When we look at Instagram, Facebook reels, tick talk, all this [00:13:25] other stuff, trust issues booming right now, broken trust, [00:13:30] unable to really trust my spouse because of that.
[00:13:33] Like No, I'm [00:13:35] not doing it, but secretly doing it. And this goes for both men and women. I'm not pointing out the men [00:13:40] here. Unfortunately, pornography is rampant on both sides of the aisle [00:13:45] there. Um, and so we have a lot of disconnection because of devices that have [00:13:50] been come so readily available and ingrained into our [00:13:55] society.
[00:13:55] When we started in 2010, it was rare that you, I mean, Facebook was [00:14:00] around, but it wasn't what it was is today. Um, so I think you have a lot of disconnect [00:14:05] there. Um, children. Um, the pandemic did a number on [00:14:10] so many of our children. Uh, there's become such a focus on them even more so than [00:14:15] when we were raising our children, that that's tearing apart a lot of marriages, [00:14:20] especially when they're starting to get to that age where mine are, where they're leaving.
[00:14:24] And so you get this [00:14:25] empty nest timeframe and people are like, Nope, I don't not know who you are. We've been going at [00:14:30] this for 20 years. I'm out. And so we see a lot of things right now that are just, [00:14:35] really ramping up, uh, hormones, a lot more conversation around [00:14:40] hormones, what's going on with that. So that's a, that's a big thing.
[00:14:44] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0019: I want to [00:14:45] ask you about the kids one because my wife and I just had our first about six months
[00:14:47] riverside_tony_dilorenzo_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0018: Oh, congratulations.
[00:14:49] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0019: [00:14:50] thanks man. Yeah. So it's, we're, we're right in it. And I've always, I've always done my best as [00:14:55] much as I can to look ahead and learn from people that are further down the road. And, um, you know, people who are doing it [00:15:00] well and people who are maybe not doing it so well, you know, or, or doing it in a way that's different than what I would want.
[00:15:04] [00:15:05] So you, you mentioned how, um, sometimes couples reach that point, they become empty nesters. Um, [00:15:10] There's not much of a marriage there, you know, they're not standing on much and it's easy to part ways or [00:15:15] it's easy to just, you know, maybe people stay stuck in roommate syndrome and just ride it out. [00:15:20] What advice would you give to a young couple like us who's starting or what are things that we can do now [00:15:25] to make sure that our marriage doesn't end up there one day when our kids are leaving the home?
[00:15:28] riverside_tony_dilorenzo_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0018: You got a prior, you [00:15:30] got to prioritize the marriage. You do. Children will always be there and there's always going [00:15:35] to be, there's always going to be something. And I know because mine are 21 and 18 years [00:15:40] old now, um, And there came a point where Elisa and I, we actually did an episode. This is an [00:15:45] old one.
[00:15:45] It's episode 40. It's probably the first one, first or second one, probably the [00:15:50] second one where we got some really major kickback. Um, and it's [00:15:55] called, the title of that is called screw the kids. This is our marriage
[00:15:58] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0019: Wow.
[00:15:59] riverside_tony_dilorenzo_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0018: [00:16:00] I felt so passionate behind making the marriage the [00:16:05] priority. The children are there and we love them no matter what.
[00:16:08] I, I, I don't have [00:16:10] to tell people that I love my children. They are my children. I will love them. And yet, if I [00:16:15] pay all my attention on them, if I only think about their needs, if I only [00:16:20] attend to them, and I don't look at Alisa, or she doesn't look towards me, [00:16:25] be it emotionally, Be it physically, like physical intimacy is different than sexual [00:16:30] intimacy.
[00:16:30] That is our kisses, hugs, touches, you know, spiritually, [00:16:35] recreationally, that's our activities, fun types of sexually. If that doesn't [00:16:40] happen, Then there's going to be cracks in our pillars that's going to [00:16:45] allow the foundation of our marriage to just crumble. And so do [00:16:50] we have to attend to them? Absolutely.
[00:16:51] We brought them into this world. They can't just get up and [00:16:55] run. But I do think we need to make sure we're spending time with our spouse and [00:17:00] showing the care and love that they need, whatever that may be. When you look at the six [00:17:05] pillars, To strengthen them. So we are strong. And Elise and I have been able to do that in different [00:17:10] ways and in, in different seasons of life.
[00:17:12] Sometimes you do have to care for them more than you do for [00:17:15] yourself. Something, sometimes that happens and it's ability to be able to go like, [00:17:20] this is a season we're in. This isn't a forever. Um, and I feel like we've raised [00:17:25] our children pretty well that they're, they're leaving, they're doing their things.
[00:17:28] They've grown up. And Elisa and I are more in [00:17:30] love than ever. Um, and excited for that, that next phase of our lives. And we're [00:17:35] dreaming even because it's like, we're only 50, like there's a lot of life [00:17:40] left,
[00:17:40] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0019: Yeah.
[00:17:41] riverside_tony_dilorenzo_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0018: you know?
[00:17:41] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0019: Heck yeah. That's really cool. I, it actually, you're [00:17:45] reminding me because this is something I, I was really like praying into this, you know, and really thinking [00:17:50] about and asking the Lord, you know, like, okay, when I become a father, what do I need to do? Like, how do I, how do I [00:17:55] get ready for fatherhood and how do I really step into this season well?
[00:17:58] And that was something he actually like [00:18:00] spoke to me. I felt like several times it was just like, If you prioritize the marriage, everything else will [00:18:05] fall into place. Like that's the order of priorities. Uh, what did that, [00:18:10] what does that look like for you guys? I imagine it changes from season to season, like you're saying, but you know, if you got [00:18:15] practical about it, is it, are you talking about weekly date nights?
[00:18:18] Is it praying together? You know, [00:18:20] couples that pray together, stay together. We've heard people say that before. Um, anything in particular where you're like, Hey, [00:18:25] make sure you're, you're at least doing this, this, this should survive through every single
[00:18:28] riverside_tony_dilorenzo_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0018: Yeah. [00:18:30] Um, our children, our children have always seen us go through, [00:18:35] um, easy conversations and tough conversations. Again, emotional intimacy. We don't hide [00:18:40] things from them. We allow them to see the frustration we can have with one [00:18:45] another and how we work through it because then they always know mom and dad are going to come together.
[00:18:49] They're going to make [00:18:50] sure they work it out. We're, we're gonna. And so I think that was really helpful for. For [00:18:55] Elisa and I and our children. Like I didn't see that growing up. My parents tend [00:19:00] to tended to hold that behind closed doors. And so I knew there were things going [00:19:05] on, but I never really understood it.
[00:19:06] Now. Hey, if we're getting verbally abusive and things of [00:19:10] that nature, then we need to like, we need to check ourselves. Like that, that is unacceptable. Emotional [00:19:15] abuse, physical abuse, any type of abuse to either one that's [00:19:20] unacceptable. And that needs to get handled and addressed. Like, and if you're being physically [00:19:25] abused, even as a man, then you need to go get help.
[00:19:28] You need to get away [00:19:30] because I say that because I have been there. I have not personally, I have been around men who [00:19:35] have. And have had to walk away and get space. So [00:19:40] like we've done that from a, from a date night perspective. Yeah, we would get, we would get a [00:19:45] babysitter. We would let our children know that we are taking time for us when it [00:19:50] comes to physical intimacy.
[00:19:50] We would, we would let them see us kiss and hug. And I love grabbing Elisa's butt. [00:19:55] I mean, I just, and they'd be like, dad, I'm like, I don't care. She's my wife. I'm going to do this. Like [00:20:00] turn your head, not my problem. Um, and she's okay with that too. And so. [00:20:05] We, we just allow them to know financial intimacy.
[00:20:08] You know, we, we, we bring them [00:20:10] into those conversations. And again, it's all age appropriate. I'm not going to be [00:20:15] talking about like, man, we're, we're going to make this massive change in this. And when they're [00:20:20] five, it's a different conversation when they're five, like at five, I'm just trying to teach them how to tithes.[00:20:25]
[00:20:25] Like, Hey, I gave you a dollar. Cause you did something. The first 10, goes to God. [00:20:30] So take a dime and put it in the, in the bucket when it comes by. When they're [00:20:35] 18 and 21, it's a different conversation we're having. We're dealing with [00:20:40] bigger numbers. We're dealing with cars and insurance. And so I feel like we [00:20:45] bring them into the fold.
[00:20:47] And because of that, they get to see [00:20:50] the resiliency of Elisa and I In the bond that we have together, holding hands through thick [00:20:55] and thin. Like we lost everything in the great recession. They were younger, then harder to share [00:21:00] like what was going on. But they remember driving in around in an old beat up car that we [00:21:05] had to, that we had to get from a buddy cause we lost cars and we lost our [00:21:10] house.
[00:21:10] And, and so just different things. And it's interesting you bring this up safely because I [00:21:15] talk, I was talking to my mother, she's 72 now. Uh, my dad passed, uh, almost seven years [00:21:20] ago. And, uh, I'm very open. I'm one of the things that we're all about here at one extraordinary [00:21:25] marriage is being about open, honest and transparent.
[00:21:27] If we can't be it, how am I going to have you do it? [00:21:30] How can I have you be open on transparent with your wife if I can't? And so I'm sitting with my [00:21:35] mom and I'm taking her out for her, her 72nd birthday and we're just chatting and I'm just talking. I'm [00:21:40] not, I just talk. I've always been like that with her and I'll just say stuff just to get a reaction out of her.[00:21:45]
[00:21:45] Um, it's still even a 50 I do it to her and uh, She goes, [00:21:50] Tony, I don't understand why you talk so openly around your children. Like, [00:21:55] why, why do you do that? I go, mom, because you and dad never did. And I want my children to [00:22:00] see and understand how life works and how a marriage [00:22:05] works through the tough times and the good times.
[00:22:07] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0019: Yeah,
[00:22:07] riverside_tony_dilorenzo_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0018: go, and I think I've raised pretty good children. Don't you think? I [00:22:10] mean, do you think you got good grandchildren? She's like, yeah. Okay. Then we're good.
[00:22:13] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0019: the work speaks [00:22:15] for
[00:22:15] riverside_tony_dilorenzo_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0018: I'm like, there you go. They're there. They're great kids. Like let's move
[00:22:18] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0019: Yeah. Wow. [00:22:20] That's cool, man. That's cool. There's, there's a lot of wisdom in there, but I, I guess, I guess what I'm [00:22:25] realizing, cause we keep hitting on all the intimacy pillars is we better give the, let's give the audience the actual framework here so that [00:22:30] they, yeah, they have a little context.
[00:22:31] So you have the six pillars of intimacy. What are they?
[00:22:34] riverside_tony_dilorenzo_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0018: Yeah. So [00:22:35] we have emotional intimacy. So that's your closeness and connection between your verbal, nonverbal [00:22:40] communication. Physical intimacy. These are your kisses, your hugs. This is, these are your [00:22:45] non sexual, this is your non sexual touch. Like, we're just thinking like, [00:22:50] hey, cuddling naked, whatever that may look like.
[00:22:52] Hand on her shoulder, whatever, massage, [00:22:55] whatever like that. Uh, we got financial intimacy. This is, this is one that people sort of [00:23:00] go like, why does that go together? Well, because money is a big factor in our marriages. [00:23:05] Intimacy, again, is closeness and connection. So how are we as a couple bringing [00:23:10] our finances together?
[00:23:11] Because they can either bring us together or they can Bring us apart. [00:23:15] So, and this can range to say they have anywhere from like cashflow budgeting [00:23:20] all the way to like wills, trust, end of life decisions. You know what [00:23:25] I mean? There's a big spectrum in here and at different stages and in different phases, like where you're [00:23:30] at right now, I'd be getting term life insurance.
[00:23:31] Like you got a little one, you better be thinking about the next 20 years, grab [00:23:35] term life insurance, 20 years. Hey, in the event that you or your spouse dies, [00:23:40] there's money there for. both either of you as well as your child. So that's
[00:23:44] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0019: [00:23:45] we literally just did actually. That's good advice. Yeah, we just did that for both of our lives. So
[00:23:48] riverside_tony_dilorenzo_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0018: Yeah. [00:23:50] Beautiful.
[00:23:50] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0019: While we're here, let me ask you a question, which is what do you do, because my wife and I are very fortunate. [00:23:55] We, we came in, like, we had kind of immigrant parents and, You know, just [00:24:00] similar upbringings around money and really vowed to do things differently than her parents.
[00:24:03] Kind of like what you're sharing earlier, [00:24:05] and we've been very united on that front. We I don't even know if we've ever had [00:24:10] one argument about about money. And if we did, it was me trying to get her to spend more money because she's [00:24:15] like, so like tight fist. I'm like, we have the money. Go buy the thing, you know?
[00:24:18] Uh, yeah, [00:24:20] exactly. But I know that we're a little bit of an anomaly that way, or we're in the minority. [00:24:25] Um, Um, for couples who do have, you know, these, these tensions around finance and [00:24:30] they don't, they feel like, yeah, financial intimacy, I would love to have that, you know, whatever that means, but we're on complete [00:24:35] opposite ends of the spectrum.
[00:24:35] How do you get couples to start working together in this area?
[00:24:39] riverside_tony_dilorenzo_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0018: [00:24:40] So when it comes to financial intimacy, there is a lot of [00:24:45] baggage that we bring. From what we were told, what we believe about [00:24:50] money, uh, you know, money doesn't grow on trees. You got to work hard for it, like [00:24:55] all of the stuff, right? And then we, we add in the, the student loan debts [00:25:00] now that are just ridiculous.
[00:25:01] Other debts, consumer debts. Um, how do we [00:25:05] save, how do we spend? And so really when it comes to this, a lot of it is [00:25:10] I personally believe you got to work with like a marriage coach, a counselor, a therapist, because [00:25:15] some of this stuff is so deep rooted. We got to deal with it from the root [00:25:20] issue. And we can go throughout the Bible and see the abundance and the prosperity that God has for our [00:25:25] lives.
[00:25:25] And yet it's still hard as a Christian man. And sometimes, and even as a Christian woman [00:25:30] to believe those, because we haven't seen them. And so we have to walk through, walk through faith. by [00:25:35] faith. And that's sometimes hard in the real, in the now. And a lot of it is just [00:25:40] this deep rooted stuff that needs to be addressed.
[00:25:43] And sometimes it just needs to be prayed [00:25:45] over. It needs to be like, I'm letting it go. You know, there's a number of things that folks need to [00:25:50] do. I think for most couples, why this is happening [00:25:55] is that there is debt that they don't want to talk about their secret spending. [00:26:00] there are secrets to what's happening with the money.
[00:26:03] And so [00:26:05] for, it sounds like for you and your wife, what's her name?
[00:26:07] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0019: Shaloma.
[00:26:09] riverside_tony_dilorenzo_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0018: for [00:26:10] you and Shaloma, it's easier to do it because that's not part of [00:26:15] who you guys are. But when there is this underlying [00:26:20] current, like, Oh, I got 10, 000 in debt over here that you don't know [00:26:25] about. It's tough to talk about.
[00:26:26] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0019: Yeah.
[00:26:27] riverside_tony_dilorenzo_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0018: Cause there's shame.
[00:26:28] There's guilt that comes with it. [00:26:30] Like I was trying to help our family by getting this job and it didn't work the way I thought it was going to work out. [00:26:35] So we were a little bit behind every month. So I ended up getting this credit card, but I didn't want her to know about it. So then [00:26:40] now we got shame.
[00:26:40] We got guilt all wrapped around it, you know, so there's a lot of different things [00:26:45] moving parts. So usually it's like find the biggest thing that you're dealing with. [00:26:50] attack it. It's going to be a tough conversation. And that's where I do believe a marriage coach coming in alongside you [00:26:55] going, okay, how are we going to be intentional?
[00:26:57] And what are the action steps we're going to take to [00:27:00] help overcome the mindset, the limiting beliefs we have about it, [00:27:05] but also attacking the here and now in the natural world where we got to go, you [00:27:10] know, at least, and I were in 50, 000 in debt. prior to our firstborn child. So I know what [00:27:15] it's like. Like we were 50, 000 in debt.
[00:27:17] I'm like, this sucks. Like, [00:27:20] no, it's not fun when your wife's like getting like calls, you know, to [00:27:25] pay the past due bills and the fourth notice is coming and the third notice is coming and [00:27:30] you're still not paying your bills. Like I've been there. Um, but you've got to attack it [00:27:35] because if you don't, it's just gonna, it's just gonna eat at you.
[00:27:38] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0019: yeah, and I know we [00:27:40] haven't even gone through all six pillars, but now I have all these questions So we'll get there. I'm sure we'll get there
[00:27:44] riverside_tony_dilorenzo_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0018: Do [00:27:45] you want me to go through them real quick? Finish the three and
[00:27:47] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0019: yeah. Go. Okay. Go through them. Yeah. Yeah.
[00:27:49] riverside_tony_dilorenzo_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0018: we won't, we have three more [00:27:50] here. So that's your financial intimacy. Then we have our spiritual intimacy and [00:27:55] that's our faith walk together. And this is one where I think a lot of [00:28:00] us in the Christian environment, find tough because we're always told, and [00:28:05] we came to Christ, you know, After that first divorce moment [00:28:10] for Elisa and I, um, we came to Christ then, so we were four years married.
[00:28:14] But [00:28:15] even then, it's all about your walk. with Jesus Christ. It's your [00:28:20] journey. How did you come to faith? What's your faith journey? So how do we [00:28:25] come together and bring that and bridge that not to be like, well, you're doing your own thing and I'm [00:28:30] doing my own thing, but how do we pray together? How do we do a devotional together?
[00:28:34] Do we get [00:28:35] into a small group together and learn from one another? So that's your spiritual intimacy, recreational [00:28:40] intimacy. This is your activity and fun. This is like, what are we doing that brings [00:28:45] joy to us that allows us to get out and just smile [00:28:50] and laugh? And this could be a It could be a range of things.
[00:28:53] It could be anything from just playing card [00:28:55] games and board games to, to, if you want to go skydiving or, you know, hell up [00:29:00] skiing or whatever you want to do and everything in between, right? Like that, this is, and this [00:29:05] includes your dates, you know, be it breakfast, lunch, dinner, we don't say date night because heck, if you want to go out [00:29:10] on a date night, go for a date night.
[00:29:11] If you want to go for a date breakfast, go like. Go date one another. I don't [00:29:15] care when it is, but just go do it. And then sexual intimacy, which we already shared. This [00:29:20] is that romance initiating foreplay and sexual intercourse.
[00:29:24] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0019: Yeah. Okay. [00:29:25] We did it.
[00:29:25] riverside_tony_dilorenzo_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0018: We got them.
[00:29:26] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0019: six. It's good, man. It's really good. So I have a [00:29:30] question. Actually, I'm glad you went through all of them because I think this question is better suited now anyway. You [00:29:35] mentioned when couples have, you know, financial challenges, especially if there's Whatever trauma history or [00:29:40] clearly like their upbringings and things from the past are playing into it It's a good idea to get [00:29:45] somebody to help you and get to the root of it And I it just got me wondering [00:29:50] if Like if you get to the root in one area, like, let's say the couple does that I have to imagine [00:29:55] that's going to lead to health in the other areas as well.
[00:29:58] Would that be fair to say? And [00:30:00] is there, is there some, is there some value of, you know, looking at these six pillars and saying, okay, [00:30:05] what's the area that maybe we're challenging the most? Because if we focus on this area, Yeah. We can [00:30:10] get to the heart of let's say it's, I don't know, let's say it's recreational intimacy.
[00:30:12] We, we don't know how to have fun together. If you can [00:30:15] get to the root of that, you might end up actually just improving all the other areas at the same time as well. Right. Is there [00:30:20] merit to that kind of
[00:30:20] riverside_tony_dilorenzo_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0018: Yeah. So what we tell a lot of couples is you want to find your strongest [00:30:25] pillar. And then which what's your weakest, which what's the one that has. the [00:30:30] biggest cracks because if you were strong in one pillar, we can [00:30:35] probably take what you're doing here and how you approach it and use it [00:30:40] on the pillar that has the biggest crack.
[00:30:42] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0019: Interesting.
[00:30:43] riverside_tony_dilorenzo_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0018: but at the same [00:30:45] time, as you strengthen this pillar that has the biggest crack in it, you're probably going to [00:30:50] reveal some stuff and learn some new things about yourself in the other pillars. And [00:30:55] so these pillars. They're there. They're, they [00:31:00] move. They, in terms of when I say move, you could be strong in your sexual [00:31:05] intimacy pillar for a good period of time.
[00:31:08] And then maybe you hit a point [00:31:10] where there's a medical issue. Maybe your spouse is perimenopausal or menopausal. Maybe you as a [00:31:15] guy, you're going through some hormonal changes, which I [00:31:20] have experienced being 50. And I've had to address. And so, [00:31:25] you know, these things begin to change and shift. But if I know I'm strong in [00:31:30] one, which for Lisa and I, it's always been pretty much our emotional intimacy because of [00:31:35] the podcast, we get.
[00:31:36] behind those microphones every week for the last 14 [00:31:40] weeks. So we have this moment, 14 years, I'm sorry, 40, yeah, 14 years [00:31:45] that every week we do that for 30 minutes. So that's our strong one. [00:31:50] And so there's a crack in one, we're able to address it or look at [00:31:55] it. And then we get to go. Practice what we just talked about.
[00:31:59] [00:32:00] So they do move. Sometimes financially, things are going to be broken. Things aren't working the way you're under [00:32:05] a lot of debt, but what happens when, when you get out of debt and now all of a sudden that thing is just [00:32:10] flying along that can strengthen your recreational intimacy because it may have been at a point [00:32:15] where you couldn't go out to eat or you couldn't go on trips or you couldn't do those things.
[00:32:19] Now [00:32:20] you're like, we got this all covered and we just got a new job. And that just added all this. And now we're putting [00:32:25] money away into our. Like just retirement funds or other funds, you know, we're, we're [00:32:30] funding a universal life policy, whatever we want to do. But that now allows [00:32:35] us to go on that week long trip we have dreamed about.
[00:32:38] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0019: Hmm. [00:32:40] Yeah.
[00:32:40] riverside_tony_dilorenzo_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0018: yes, they're going to impact one another. And conversely, if [00:32:45] you're shutting your spouse down when it comes to conversation, we're going to do an episode on [00:32:50] this coming up. It's going to be called emotional rejection. If you're rejecting your [00:32:55] spouse emotionally. That can impact everything you want more sex as a man, [00:33:00] maybe, or even your wife wants more sex because you're just spun out maybe right now because [00:33:05] of where you're at.
[00:33:05] Maybe you've been in your mind a lot. Again, I've been there, man. I've been there where [00:33:10] man, I have a full solid erection. I'm ready to go. Elisa touches me in a [00:33:15] way and I just spin out and I just go soft and I'm like, Holy crap, [00:33:20] man. Like I need to, I need to engage again. So.
[00:33:23] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0019: Yeah.
[00:33:24] riverside_tony_dilorenzo_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0018: [00:33:25] there are things that happen. And as men, um, if we can engage our wives [00:33:30] and even ourselves and being able to have the conversations, even tough ones, even easy ones with [00:33:35] ourselves.
[00:33:35] Um, I think it allows us to grow.
[00:33:37] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0019: Yeah. 100%. And I appreciate [00:33:40] the transparency I've shared on the podcast about having some of those experiences myself. Like I have, I have like an [00:33:45] annual event where it's like, I'm just a little bit too stressed. And I just can't get there. And [00:33:50] then, and then I get into my head. I'm like, Oh, I'm gay.
[00:33:52] Something's wrong with me. You know, like my head just goes [00:33:55] to all these terrible
[00:33:55] riverside_tony_dilorenzo_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0018: Oh yeah.
[00:33:56] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0019: um, yeah, it's, it's crazy. It can, it can downward [00:34:00] spiral real quick.
[00:34:00] riverside_tony_dilorenzo_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0018: I had it for a good month. The last time this happened to me, I was just [00:34:05] like a month and finally I was like, what's going on? And I finally was just like, I had to just tell [00:34:10] Lisa, I just had to get, I just had to be like, Hey babe, I'm struggling. And I don't know if [00:34:15] it's stress. I don't know where, I don't know if it's hormonally right now.
[00:34:18] Uh, then this is before we [00:34:20] started getting like blood tests and everything for our hormones. Just looking at our, uh, our, our [00:34:25] levels and everything. And I just told her and she's just like, Hey, it's all right. Like I'm [00:34:30] glad you told me let's talk through this. Let's work through this together. Um, yeah.
[00:34:34] [00:34:35] Instead of you trying to do it by yourself because the two shall become one. And we're here together doing this. [00:34:40] So
[00:34:40] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0019: That's
[00:34:41] riverside_tony_dilorenzo_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0018: me help you along
[00:34:41] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0019: Yeah,
[00:34:42] riverside_tony_dilorenzo_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0018: I was like, all right, cool. [00:34:45] Yup.
[00:34:49] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0019: [00:34:50] later in the conversation to circle back to it. But obviously this show is centered on helping guys quit pornography [00:34:55] and that's the coaching practice we built on the back end is focused on that as well.
[00:34:58] Um, so you mentioned [00:35:00] how that was a big part of your life earlier on those first four years of marriage, um, [00:35:05] obviously being able to break free. And you also mentioned about how the accessibility of it now is creating. All kinds of [00:35:10] issues in marriages. So maybe as a starting point, um, what, what kind of [00:35:15] problems are you noticing it's causing?
[00:35:17] Um, specifically, like when, like [00:35:20] I'm curious, even maybe when a couple comes to you, can you tell when you're like, yeah, you know what, based on [00:35:25] what they're saying, I bet you pornography is involved. I bet you when we get a bit deeper, we're probably gonna hear about something like that. What are. [00:35:30] What are some of the indicators?
[00:35:31] riverside_tony_dilorenzo_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0018: Oh man. What are some of the indicators?
[00:35:34] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0019: Um, [00:35:35] I, if there, if there are any
[00:35:36] riverside_tony_dilorenzo_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0018: I'm just trying to even think. So for my own story, just I [00:35:40] got introduced to pornography when I was 12, um, viewed it. A [00:35:45] lot on and off masturbated all that good stuff throughout high school. [00:35:50] Um, Meta Lisa would look at it from time to time again. Now [00:35:55] this is early nineties, so we don't, we didn't have the accessibility.
[00:35:57] Like trying to get an image to load up would [00:36:00] take five minutes, you know what I mean?
[00:36:01] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0019: yeah. Yeah.
[00:36:02] riverside_tony_dilorenzo_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0018: so it was like, wow. Um, [00:36:05] and so I, you know, I battled pornography for [00:36:10] 18 years. It was when my oldest was a year old that, [00:36:15] uh, Elisa was breastfeeding him actually in our living room. And I had my [00:36:20] computer set up in the garage.
[00:36:21] There was the wall in between us. So I just walked out to the garage and I was going [00:36:25] to start looking at it. And I heard God audibly say, it is finished. And I said, what's [00:36:30] finished? And I was like, he's like, it is finished. And I'm like, and I was, and I was going to go look at [00:36:35] some, cause I was just. We were dysfunctional at the time and I was a mess and I was [00:36:40] like, whoa, okay.
[00:36:41] So I just walked right back into my living room and I looked at Elisa [00:36:45] as she's breastfeeding our son. And I said, I've been looking at porn. [00:36:50] And I go, it's done. I go, it's done. And I go, if I do look at it, I'm [00:36:55] going to let you know. Um, she was leaving for a week trip to go see her parents in Ohio. [00:37:00] So. So I was left alone.
[00:37:02] Yeah, that's not good. And, [00:37:05] um, and I remember her being gone maybe like three, four days of that trip. I think she [00:37:10] was going to be gone for about a week. So I was about halfway through the trip and I remember looking at [00:37:15] some and immediately called her and I heard the disappointment and [00:37:20] just, just the like, ah, the exasperation, like I can't trust you.
[00:37:24] [00:37:25] And it just hit me to my core and I, and I just felt like there's just really a true, just a [00:37:30] shift at that moment. And I haven't looked at it since. And so that's [00:37:35] been,
[00:37:35] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0019: Wow.
[00:37:36] riverside_tony_dilorenzo_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0018: so 20 years now. And I work in a world where we talk about [00:37:40] sex all the time. So I'm Googling stuff around it. So things, things pop up, man.
[00:37:44] Like, I'm [00:37:45] like, Oh, Get out of that. Like, you know, just move aside real quick. [00:37:50] Um, and so it's interesting. So indicators for me, when I just think of it for myself [00:37:55] is, um, the lack of arousal. What I hear a lot too from guys are [00:38:00] when I hear this, I know you're on pornography. When you tell me your wife's vagina, isn't [00:38:05] tight enough.
[00:38:05] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0019: Hmm.
[00:38:06] riverside_tony_dilorenzo_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0018: You know why? Cause you're masturbating. There's [00:38:10] nothing tighter than your hand. And I will tell you, go read the vagina Bible. That [00:38:15] vagina is frigging amazing what it can do and how it can [00:38:20] expand and why it does and all the things that it like, you [00:38:25] know, like just for sexual intercourse, like how it, how it starts and [00:38:30] then the arousal of the clitoris and how the vagina can expand, but also be [00:38:35] tight.
[00:38:35] So when you tell me as a guy, well, her vagina is not tight enough. I'm like, [00:38:40] Yeah, that's a porn issue or, or you say like [00:38:45] looking at her or something like isn't appealing or she doesn't turn me on [00:38:50] to me. Those are all those mental images that have now been seared into our brain that [00:38:55] we see. And I thank you Jesus.
[00:38:57] But when he said it was finished, it was finished. [00:39:00] And those, those images that I had seen so often. were wiped clean from, from [00:39:05] me and it still took some rewiring and I had to begin calling [00:39:10] Elisa. This is another thing where God just told me, he's like, you're going to, you're going to tell Elisa she's your beautiful [00:39:15] wife.
[00:39:15] And I'm like, okay. And so I had to, I just began to tell her, I'm like, you're [00:39:20] my beautiful wife, Alisa. And like, and so I had to begin to rewire that brain [00:39:25] to go, God gave me you, you are beautiful. Um, other [00:39:30] indicators that I have seen is just the, the up, you know, I [00:39:35] think you, you would see this too up late.
[00:39:37] Um, You know, making sure like your wife's [00:39:40] asleep, you know, just the fidgetiness of stuff. Um, there's a, there's a lot [00:39:45] of the stress that comes with it, the secrecy that comes with it. Um, you know, like she wants to [00:39:50] look at my phone or the, I'm like, well, let her look at your phone. Well, what, well, what, [00:39:55] what, what are you looking at?
[00:39:56] Are you texting some other gal? Like what, what, what's the reason? Well, it's a [00:40:00] business phone. No, it's not get out of here. Stop it. So those are some of the indicators. I [00:40:05] hear, but that first one I've heard that many a times.
[00:40:09] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0019: [00:40:10] Oh, for sure. Yeah. Yeah. I believe it, man. Yeah. Yeah. I believe it. Yeah. I [00:40:15] remember one time I had a guy who was like, I won't say exactly what he said. It was a little bit crude, [00:40:20] but he was like, he's like, man, I just feel so bad for myself. Cause my wife's never going to give me a, you know, and you can fill [00:40:25] in the blank.
[00:40:25] Um, and it was like, dude, that's such a, it's such a porn brain response, right? Like you would [00:40:30] only say that if you had been programmed by pornography. Um, so it makes a lot of sense [00:40:35] when, when you hear that that's, that's, that's In the in the marriage. Um, what like what's your response? Because [00:40:40] I think your framework for the six pillars of intimacy.
[00:40:43] I'm like hearing you [00:40:45] describe it thinking about how you guys go about it. I'm like, man, if you went after the six pillars of intimacy [00:40:50] and just followed your framework, I have to imagine some of those issues probably resolve themselves like like pornography would be like a bit [00:40:55] more, you know, surface level, depending on what's going on.
[00:40:57] But I don't know. Do you guys have any specific Take care. [00:41:00] tactics or strategies you employ when it's at play in a marriage.
[00:41:02] riverside_tony_dilorenzo_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0018: So Lisa does all the coaching. And when, [00:41:05] when that is a big issue, um, I [00:41:10] know she will recommend resources because we see that as an [00:41:15] addiction.
[00:41:15] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0019: Yeah. A
[00:41:16] riverside_tony_dilorenzo_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0018: Just like alcohol, [00:41:20] drug, it's an addiction. And so we need to break the addiction before we [00:41:25] can actually strengthen the marriage and the six pillars of intimacy.
[00:41:29] [00:41:30] Because that's, that's a rip current that's just underneath that you're not seeing. And no [00:41:35] matter if we're trying to fix everything up here, the water can look great and everything above it looks [00:41:40] great. But if we're not addressing the rip current, the addiction. then [00:41:45] you're going to start leaning towards that and everything's going to be faulty.
[00:41:49] [00:41:50] And so I know, um, one of the resources that we've recommended for years [00:41:55] is called Bondage Breaker. Um, and it's a fantastic book. Love that
[00:41:59] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0019: [00:42:00] Neil Anderson's I
[00:42:00] riverside_tony_dilorenzo_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0018: Yep. That's it. Neil Anders. Just, and so, but we've [00:42:05] also come around folks like yourself and others where we're just like, Hey, reach out, [00:42:10] go over here. Like you need to address.
[00:42:12] the addiction issue [00:42:15] and there are many different ways to address it. Just like when it comes to alcoholism [00:42:20] or drug addiction, there are different resource centers, [00:42:25] um, facilities that people, and it's just different for certain people. Like guys look at me and they're like, well, [00:42:30] how'd that happen for you?
[00:42:30] I'm like, well, it was, it was truly an act of God. [00:42:35] I didn't do it on my own. It was an act of God. I have walked along guys [00:42:40] though, who have gone through different programs that were helpful for them. [00:42:45] They also had their God moments within it. It was just different. So I'm, I'm very much [00:42:50] of the guy, like, if this is you, man, Then you need to be in the program that's going [00:42:55] to hold you accountable because I don't believe your wife should be your accountability partner.
[00:42:59] I look [00:43:00] back, I have a very good wife, young, [00:43:05] that's a lot of pressure to put on your wife.
[00:43:07] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0019: Yeah. It's not her burden to
[00:43:09] riverside_tony_dilorenzo_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0018: It's not [00:43:10] at all. So have, have an accountability, be in the program where you [00:43:15] are being, that you're going through those steps. And then you also have that person [00:43:20] there who's like, bro. You're doing good. Let's, let's keep moving forward.
[00:43:24] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0019: That's [00:43:25] so good. Yeah. I literally just posted about that on Instagram yesterday. I think about having the [00:43:30] right accountability system set up and that not involving your wife. Not that you shun her from the [00:43:35] experience, but you know, she's just not that, that person.
[00:43:37] riverside_tony_dilorenzo_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0018: Again, I was, I was [00:43:40] young, younger, um, in a, in a different world too, right? Like we're [00:43:45] blessed now in like programs like yourself that, that you have and that you're bringing [00:43:50] to men. Those weren't really accessible to me back then, [00:43:55] you know, 20 years ago, that wasn't it, you know, they just weren't around.
[00:43:58] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0019: even five years
[00:43:59] riverside_tony_dilorenzo_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0018: Right. [00:44:00] Even five years ago, it just wasn't really something that you would find. And so now we're [00:44:05] very much into like, you need to break the addiction.
[00:44:07] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0019: yeah, yeah, it's so [00:44:10] good. It's so good. Okay. I want to ask you one last question, which is um, you guys are [00:44:15] very comfortable talking about sex to A christian audience that I have to imagine some [00:44:20] people Uh, maybe would even cringe hearing some of the conversations you guys have and I [00:44:25] really respect, you know Just the level of vulnerability and transparency.
[00:44:28] Obviously. I feel the same way, you know, i'm talking [00:44:30] about porn people call me the porn guy Um, and I know I know in the wrong room, you know, [00:44:35] people purposely will walk, you know, away from me so that they don't have to, you know, whatever. Like, and, you know, even [00:44:40] on your site, you guys are talking about the bedroom adventure, uh, bundle and, you know, the lube that you recommend and all [00:44:45] that kind of
[00:44:45] riverside_tony_dilorenzo_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0018: Which is really good. It's, it's, it's a hike. It's a high class [00:44:50] [00:44:55] room.
[00:44:55] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0019: question is, you know, how, um, what would you recommend to maybe people who [00:45:00] would see something like that? And I can't imagine anybody sees that and says, Oh, I would never want that. But, [00:45:05] you know, there's obviously there's psychological barriers.
[00:45:07] Like you grow up conservatively, you know, religiously, [00:45:10] and you're like, yeah, Oh, I can't do that. That's, you know, that's weird. Or that's too, it's too, whatever, too [00:45:15] pleasure seeking or, or whatever. How do you get people over some of those initial barriers to, uh, [00:45:20] you know, to enjoy themselves in the bedroom and still honor God while they do
[00:45:23] riverside_tony_dilorenzo_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0018: Yep. [00:45:25] So couple things. Number one, what you do in your bedrooms between you, your spouse and [00:45:30] God, I'm just laying it out there. I'm not, you go do you [00:45:35] other than bringing somebody else into your bedroom. And I, and I say that because I just said [00:45:40] between you, your spouse and God, not you, your spouse and somebody else and somebody else.
[00:45:44] And, and, and [00:45:45] when I say those somebody else's, I'm also meaning the pornography and those [00:45:50] images that you are bringing into your bedroom. Cause it is destroying it. I know it. I've been [00:45:55] there. I've been there thinking of somebody else other than my wife. It's not good. [00:46:00] So have that image of your wife in your mind.
[00:46:02] So that's number one. When we're [00:46:05] having these conversations around sexual intimacy, let's take the conversation out [00:46:10] of the bedroom.
[00:46:11] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0019: Hmm.
[00:46:11] riverside_tony_dilorenzo_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0018: Bedroom is a charged place for many of [00:46:15] us. That's typically where we're Our sexual intercourse happens. We [00:46:20] advise folks to explore and try different places in the, in the home, outside the [00:46:25] home, follow your local laws and regulations.
[00:46:28] Um, if you so choose [00:46:30] to go outside your home. So let's bring that conversation out of the bedroom. [00:46:35] So there's not the intention of, Oh, we're having this [00:46:40] conversation. So it means you want sex right now. I don't know. We're just going to have a conversation. And so at least [00:46:45] when I, when we were going through this and learning ourselves, we, uh, we came up with this marriage guide called 19 [00:46:50] questions to amazing sex and they're 19 questions.
[00:46:54] And these are the [00:46:55] questions that Elisa and I started asking one another. We would do it while we were walk, walking, we call them [00:47:00] our walk and talks. Um, number of times we would just be driving to, [00:47:05] um, maybe a date. I remember one time we were driving back from, [00:47:10] I don't know, maybe our, 21st, 22nd anniversary.
[00:47:14] We were driving [00:47:15] back down the coast from Laguna Beach and um, we just had our 19 [00:47:20] questions and we're just driving down the five and asking each other these questions because in [00:47:25] different stages, stages and seasons of life, it changes. And we [00:47:30] ask a lot in these questions go into different areas. And the reason being [00:47:35] is where do you feel comfortable?
[00:47:36] Where do you feel comfortable? And so you get to go, um, [00:47:40] Okay, you feel comfortable here. I feel comfortable here. Could we meet in the middle [00:47:45] here? And so it just gets that conversation going in some, some of the [00:47:50] questions are just like, we're not answering it. Like that's a no go right now. Okay. One of the [00:47:55] questions we have on there and I will share it because some people will get tweaked is [00:48:00] what, how do you feel about anal play?
[00:48:02] It's a question. Most of us. are [00:48:05] thinking about it in some way, shape or form. So we need to have the question there to be [00:48:10] able to go, no, that's not okay. Or yes, it is. Okay. But if we don't answer the [00:48:15] question, right, we don't, we don't have clarity and it's okay. If it's a no, [00:48:20] or if it's a yes, I'm not here to judge you in that, but we need to ask these [00:48:25] tough oral sex.
[00:48:26] What does that look like? For you, are you okay with it? [00:48:30] And, and, and so just, and again, some of these questions, it's not just a yes or no, because it's, it's a [00:48:35] no, but it may be like, well, why is that a note to you? A lot of times it's [00:48:40] hygiene. I'll just tell you guys freaking go get some man wipes and go wipe yourself down.
[00:48:44] Like you'd be [00:48:45] surprised, go take a shower before you have sex. Like you'd be surprised, like what happens? Um, it's [00:48:50] literally, it's like, at least I was even told this to me. And I'm like, I never even really [00:48:55] thought about that. I'm like, Oh, okay. I hear you. I get you. Okay, cool. So [00:49:00] asking and answering these questions allows us to get an understanding.
[00:49:04] I would say [00:49:05] anybody who wants them, don't go ask all 19 in [00:49:10] one fell swoop. It can be a bit much.
[00:49:12] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0019: and, and, and, and,
[00:49:14] riverside_tony_dilorenzo_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0018: Pick a [00:49:15] few.
[00:49:15] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0019: and,
[00:49:16] riverside_tony_dilorenzo_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0018: [00:49:20] Yeah.
[00:49:20] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0019: 19. So it's good that you said that. Yeah.
[00:49:22] riverside_tony_dilorenzo_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0018: It's like, Whoa, we're out for an hour. We're answering [00:49:25] all these questions now. And she's like, are you kidding me? I mean, you may ask three [00:49:30] questions and just have conversation that leads into other areas that opens [00:49:35] up just dormant emotions and feelings that you have or your [00:49:40] wife has had for years that just allows you guys to get close and connected, [00:49:45] which is again, Intimacy.
[00:49:47] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0019: Intimacy. There it is. [00:49:50] Yeah. Tony, I'm amazing, man. Uh, the podcast is also called One Extraordinary [00:49:55] Marriage. People want to find out more about you guys, including the 19 questions. I think that'd be a great resource for our [00:50:00] audience. Uh, what's the best way for them to do
[00:50:01] riverside_tony_dilorenzo_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0018: Yeah. You can get that at one extraordinary marriage. [00:50:05] com slash free 19 questions and 19 is numbers.
[00:50:09] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0019: [00:50:10] Amazing. Okay. Perfect. And yeah, we'll put the link in the show notes, um, and make sure people can access that [00:50:15] stuff easily. But in the meantime, God bless you, man. This is an awesome conversation.
[00:50:18] riverside_tony_dilorenzo_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0018: Thank you, man. To you and [00:50:20] into your family. You're doing an amazing thing, uh, to serve men and families and [00:50:25] marriages. So really appreciate all the work you're doing.
[00:50:27] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_umw_interview studio_0019: Thanks, man. Thank you so [00:50:30] much.
[00:50:31] Amazing. Well, I don't even know what else to say. I love Tony. Uh, what an amazing [00:50:35] guy and I just love his heart, love the passion and love the zeal that this guy has. [00:50:40] If your marriage needs help, and maybe we're talking about this framework and you're saying, wow, you know, I, [00:50:45] I got a couple of these pillars figured out, but that one pillar you talked about, you know, I really need to figure out more [00:50:50] about that highly recommend that you get on their site, go and find out more about it.
[00:50:54] They have a [00:50:55] book. It's done very, very well over the years, and then he also at the end mentioned a resource 19 [00:51:00] questions you can ask. Look, these guys are no fluff people. This is not going to be [00:51:05] some Philly kind of stuff. But if you're serious about improving your sex life, or you just want to grow in this area, you know, [00:51:10] maybe it's going okay, but you know it could be better, go get the resources.
[00:51:13] They're for free, they [00:51:15] cost you nothing, and it's a fantastic way to invest. relationship with your [00:51:20] wife and obviously the covenant you made with God. And look, you know, we had a pretty serious conversation [00:51:25] about pornography and Tony told his story, a really incredible story. Uh, but it doesn't always happen that way.
[00:51:29] You [00:51:30] know, like he said, everybody has their own journey. Everybody's having their different experiences with it. But [00:51:35] if you're serious about recovering, you've tried upping the spiritual disciplines, you've prayed the deliverance prayers, you've [00:51:40] tried the internet filters, and you've done the accountability groups, nothing seems to work.
[00:51:43] I want to challenge [00:51:45] you. It's not that nothing works. It's that you haven't found the thing that works for you. And one of [00:51:50] the things that we hear from a lot of the clients we work with. Is that they wish they would have known about five, 10, 15 [00:51:55] years ago. They could have saved themselves thousands of dollars, a lot of headache and a lot of [00:52:00] time, and who knows what they could have got back with that.
[00:52:02] And so if you're sick of banging your head against the wall, you're sick [00:52:05] and tired of being sick and tired, and you're ready to actually experience lasting freedom. There's a link in [00:52:10] the show notes to find out more about my system that I designed myself. To help guys make a complete [00:52:15] recovery in 120 days or less.
[00:52:17] All you have to do is just click the link. You can find out more [00:52:20] about it. It's not like it takes you to a booking link and you got to do something right away. You can find out more about what we're up [00:52:25] to. And if it looks like it's something you're interested in, you think it might be a good match. [00:52:30] And you can click the link to book a call with my team and we'd love to see if Deep Cleanse is a good fit for you.[00:52:35]
[00:52:35] In the meantime, I am praying blessings over your marriage. I pray that this interview [00:52:40] helped you guys grow a little bit. And make sure you go check out some of those resources. And again, if you are [00:52:45] married or you know married people who maybe are struggling or need a little bit of help, This podcast [00:52:50] could be the thing that changes things for them.
[00:52:52] Don't rob them of an opportunity to grow, to [00:52:55] heal and to move forward. Make sure you're sharing the love as you have been shared the love with. [00:53:00] I'm sure somebody got you under the show in the first place and you can be that person for someone else. So make sure you share the [00:53:05] word. If you think there's some value here in the meantime, God bless you guys.
[00:53:08] Have an amazing day. We'll talk [00:53:10] soon. [00:53:15] [00:53:20] [00:53:25] [00:53:30] [00:53:35] [00:53:40] [00:53:45] [00:53:50] [00:53:55] [00:54:00] [00:54:05] [00:54:10] [00:54:15] [00:54:20] [00:54:25]